his decision
by StellaLunaLu
Summary: he knew that he would target the most vulnerable of his team, but usually that was his title.    'Tears rolled down his cheeks as he longed to be with his family again.' excerpt.
1. Chapter 1

hey, sorry for the short chapter!

i know i should be working on WHVB, but this was bumming around in my head, and i felt like i HAD to write it (:

it was alot better in my head at 2 am, but enjoooy!

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In the dark, he shivered. He let out a shaky sigh as he stared up into the inky blackness above him. His stomach growled uncomfortably and his wrists were rubbed raw against his shackles. From above, he heard nothing. The concrete floor below him was cold and unforgiving . He knelt, his hands chained to a peg in the ground. He had a little room to move, but he was far from comfortable.

He kept his emotions at bay while trying to think. For three days he'd done this. For three days he'd sat in this dungeon and waited either to be released or killed. Or for the phone to ring.

He didn't know why his captor had left him with a phone, but he knew it had not rang once since he'd found himself in this place. He'd tried to make outgoing calls to Hotch, to Morgan and even to his mother, but the phone was set up only to take incoming calls.

So he'd waited for news, to help him make his decision. The decision whether to live or die.


	2. Chapter 2

The decision whether to live or die, whether to let _him _keep hunting them, or make it all stop. Of course, had those been the only factors, the only things to take into account, the decision would have been easy.

"Kill me." He would have said.

But he knew better. He knew Hotch and Morgan were searching, every second of every day, to find him. He knew they had a working profile. He knew he was supposed to hold out. For a sign. Or until all the hope was gone from him.

So far, neither of these things had happened.

For the thousandth time, Spencer thought of JJ and Henry.

_"Eventually, you'll have to make a decision." _He'd said_. "Between yourself and the ones you love most. You'll have to decide whether you can wait any longer… knowing I'm out there hunting them. Whether you can stand to live down there, with the guilt of not knowing. But, either way, I get what I want."_ Then he'd grinned a toothy smile and thrown Reid to the ground.

Somehow, Reid knew he meant JJ. He was hunting her, and he would get her. Reid had no doubt that if Hotch didn't catch him in time, he would get her. It was all really just a matter of when.

Breathing deeply, he closed his eyes as the panic swelled again. 'I'm going to die,' he thought, "or JJ is going to die." The second thought terrified him sevenfold more than the first.

_"You will make a choice. And when you do, all you have to do is press the button, Agent Reid, and I will walk into the nearest police office and turn myself in. Scouts honour."_ And with that he'd set a detonator down on the concrete floor, turned, and left. That was the last time Reid had seen light. 3 days ago.

Now he contemplated the detonator, just within arms reach. He himself had profiled his captor, and he was positive that he would stick to his word. Once Reid pressed that button, IF Reid pressed that button, he would turn himself in. He would have what he wanted.

To watch the BAU team suffer and squirm, and fail. Spencer had no doubt that if he did get to JJ, he himself would be released. Forced to live with the grief. The guilt of knowing he could have stopped it.

He regarded the detonator with reverence, as his only friend. But worst enemy.

Then he turned from it and leaned his head against the cellar wall momentarily.

He willed for Hotch to open the cellar door. For Morgan to unchain him fiercely. For Rossi to sigh in relief and help him up off this damn floor. For Emily to pull him into an embrace. For Garcia to call him her baby genius and to watch her face light up. For JJ to smile at him again, to hug him again, and tell him not to make her worry again. For Henry to close his little hand around his finger.

Tears rolled down his cheeks as he longed to be with his family again.

For the first time in months, he thought about Gideon. Where he was now, what he was doing. For the first time since he left, he found that thinking about Gideon did not infuriate him. It only made him sad. Sad that he would never be able to tell him that he wasn't mad anymore. That he forgave him. That he loved him.

How badly he wanted to tell them all that he loved them.

That's when he realized he knew he would not make it out of this alive. This unsub had outsmarted them once before, and they had been nowhere close to catching him. Hotch and the team would not be able to do it before he got to one of them.

But Reid could stop it from even getting that far. If he weren't still waiting for a sign.

He cradled the phone in his hands and willed it to ring. He prayed. He prayed for one last chance to talk to them. And as he prayed he rested his head against the wall again and fell asleep.

He was startled awake as an unfamiliar sound echoed through the cellar.

It took him a few moments to realize that it was the phone. And a few more to convince himself that it was really ringing. Finally, he answered it.

"Hello?" his voice cracked and echoed oddly about the room.

"Reid." Hotch breathed it with relief.

"Hotch." He choked, almost overridden with emotion.

"Reid, are you alright?" his voice was urgent, worried.

Reid nodded to himself, "I'm okay. I'm hungry, and a little dehydrated. But I'm alright."

He heard Hotch sigh in relief. As well as Morgan.

"Kid?" Reids eyes filled with tears as he heard Morgans voice.

"Yeah, Morgan?"

"You stay strong, okay? We're coming to get you." His voice was strained.

Reid did not answer him.

"Hotch, how did you get this number?" he asked instead.

"The unsub left it at the hotel for JJ. In an envelope."

Reids empty stomach twisted.

"Is that it?"

"Reid…" Hotch started.

"Hotch, was there anything else in the envelope?" he insisted.

He could practically hear Hotch deliberate before he spoke.

"There were pictures too. Of JJ... and Henry." He finally relented.

Reid squeezed his eyes shut and groaned.

"How close are you to finding this guy?" he asked bluntly.

Hotch sighed. "We can't pinpoint an accurate geographical profile." He laughed a bitter laugh and Reid shook his head.

"When were the photos delivered?"

"About an hour ago. JJ, Will and Henry are all here now."

Reid was silent as he thought. He'd found them, even without their home address, he'd found them.

"Kid, don't even think about doing anything dumb. Just sit tight. There's nothing to do but wait." Morgan tried to reassure him.

"Can I talk to JJ?" his voice broke again as he spoke.

"Of course." He heard muffled rustling, then silence for a second, before,

"Hello?" she sounded as though she'd been crying.

"Hey." He smiled sadly to himself at the sound of her voice.

"I'm so sorry, Spence, I'm so-" she started crying again.

"It's not your fault." He said softly. "You have absolutely nothing to do with this. You're just the one he chose. You have nothing to be sorry about, okay? I love you." He choked on his last words. "And I want you to tell Henry that I love him very much, alright?" He could tell that JJ had figured out this was his goodbye. He had made his decision.

"Spencer.." She started urgently.

"I need you to put on Garcia for a second." He cut her off. He couldn't listen to her try to change his mind. He knew she would succeed if he let her try.

She was silent for a second, then quietly, "I love you, Spence. I always will. Please don't do this. Not for me. Please."

He bit his lip and closed his eyes, trying to harden his resolve. It had to be this way, he told himself.

When he didn't answer she sighed shakily. Then he heard her passing the phone to Garcia. The tears were streaming down his face again as she picked up.

"Angel face." He savoured the nickname.

"Hey Penelope." He said softly.

"What do you need, baby?" he heard her choking back tears.

"Do you- do you remember that message I recorded for my mom, Garcia?"

She sniffled. "Yeah, honey. I remember."

"I need you to make sure she gets it, okay?"

She didn't answer, but he could hear her crying softly on the other end.

"and Penelope?" He used her first name again. It felt weird on his tongue, but also more personal.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, sweetheart. Always."

He swallowed as she passed the phone to Prentiss.

"Reid." She breathed in relief. She was relieved to talk to him. He realized that she had thought she wouldn't get to. She thought that she wouldn't get her chance to say goodbye. His heart ached for her.

"Emily."

"Are you okay?"

"For now, I guess." He bit his lip. This was all so hard.

"What if I promised that I would find you?" She asked sadly, only half joking.

"Will you?"

"No." She conceded.

"You're going to be okay." He promised her instead.

He heard her start to cry and his heart wrenched. Emily, the master of compartmentalism, was crying for him. He hated himself for doing this to them.

"No, Spencer." She said, and he cringed. "Not for a really long time."

"I'm doing this for you… for all of you." He told her.

"I know. I knew you would." She paused. "I love you, Spencer."

It sounded different coming from her. Foreign. He was pretty sure this was the first time he'd ever heard her say it. And the last.

"I love you too…" there was so much he wanted to tell her. How much she had brought the team together. How big the role she played in his life was.

Instead he said. "Can I get Morgan?"

Pause.

"Why are you saying goodbyes, kid? You got everybody down here cryin'. You're gonna feel real stupid once we get your butt out of there." He teased, but Reid could hear the hurt in his voice. The hurt and the determination.

He's never going to stop fighting for me, Reid thought. But this time he had to fight for himself.

"Morgan, I'm sorry."

"Stop it, kid." His voice broke.

"I'm so sorry. None of this is your fault. This is my choice. I made my choice."

"Spencer…" Derek used his first name and his heart broke. It broke in two as he sat in the dark, on the concrete floor of a cellar.

But he wouldn't need it much longer anyways.

"You're my brother, Spencer. I love you, man."

"I love you too, Derek." He was barely able to choke it out.

Morgan handed the phone to Hotch. "Reid, don-"

"Hotch, I need you to find Gideon. Tell him that I forgave him."

Hotch sighed again. "Alright, Reid."

"And after I… when it's done, the unsub is going to turn himself into the nearest police station. The nearest police station to where I am now."

He practically heard Hotch nod. He understood.

Reid swallowed. "Would you die for the people you love?" he asked.

"Absolutely." Hotch did not hesitate.

"Hotch?" His voice shook. He felt sobs building up. He fought to control himself for just a few more minutes.

"Yes, Spencer."

"I'm scared." He whispered.

"Spencer Reid, you are one of the bravest people I know. Your abilities of love and compassion are something I have never seen matched. I cannot imagine a world worth living in without you in it. I am so glad to have met you. This team will never be the same without you. I'm so proud of you, and if there is any way to talk you out of this, I will."

Spencer did not answer, only continued to fight to control himself.

Hotch understood.

"You are strong, Spencer."

Tears fell from his eyelashes as he squeezed his eyes shut.

"I love you all… so much."

"And we love you." Hotchs voice cracked.

"Goodbye."

He took a breath and snapped the phone shut. He reached for the detonator, held it in his hand a second, said one last prayer and pushed the button.

* * *

hey!

okay so, sorry for the authors note, but i just do not know how to proceed.

so i'm leaving it up to you guys. do you want Spence to live?

review!


	3. Chapter 4

_Click_.

Aaron Hotchner squeezed his eyes shut as he continued to hold the phone to his ear. Slowly, he pulled it away from himself and opened his eyes.

_'Spencer Reid. Call Terminated' _flashed on the screen.

He snapped the phone shut and looked about the room. Almost every single member of the team was crying. Hotch swallowed and looked at the ground. He felt strangely unemotional. He wasn't angry, and he wasn't sad, although he knew he should be. He should be furious. He should be devastated.

But he was numb. This was almost like a dream. Nothing felt real to him. Not Garcia's strangled whimpers, not JJ's sobs. Not even the hole Morgan had punched into the conference room wall.

He felt like he was waiting. Either to wake up, or to find a solution for all this pain, he didn't know. But things didn't feel… settled.

He put his phone down on the table and regarded the team once more. Emily was leaning against the wall with tears rolling down her face by the door while JJ cried into Garcia's hair. Morgan sat with his head in his hands, shaking visibly.

Aaron tried to think of something to say. Some order to give, that would help them all forget their misery and focus on their job. Then he realized that they had nothing to do except wait for the call that would bring them the person who had done this. He wished he could punch a hole in a wall.

Instead he sat across from Morgan and sighed.

_"I'm scared." _He heard Reid's voice whimper in his head.

_"I knew you'd understand." As Reid embraced him…_

Hotch shook his head and composed his thoughts. He would not let the hurt set in yet. First he had to punish the sick asshole who did this.


End file.
